Getting Along Guidelines

This guide is designed to help you communicate with each other more peacefully. As you learn and adjust your approach to each other, your communication should strengthen your relationship and improve your connection.

My hope is that you’ll reach a point where you can discuss disagreements in a way that you wouldn’t mind if your children or a friend overheard. By working together to resolve issues, you’ll foster shared power in problem-solving rather than individual power to get your way.

1. Approach with Good Faith

  • Assume Positive Intent: Engage in discussions with the belief that both parties seek to understand and resolve the issue. You are not the issue and your partner is not the issue! Treat each conversation as an opportunity to understand each other’s perspectives and collaboratively find solutions.

2. Focus on One Issue at a Time

  • Address Single Issues: To resolve conflicts effectively, concentrate on one issue per conversation. Avoid shifting topics or introducing new complaints, as this can increase conflict rather than resolve it.

3. Maintain Respectful Communication

  • Avoid Negative Behaviors: Refrain from swearing, yelling, name-calling, or making accusations. These behaviors can escalate conflicts and hinder productive resolution.

4. Practice Active Listening

  • Take Turns Speaking: Ensure each person has the opportunity to talk and listen without interruptions. Confirm understanding by restating the other person’s points. This fosters mutual understanding and reduces tension.

5. Avoid Attacks and Defensiveness

  • Make Constructive Requests: Focus on specific actions that can improve the relationship rather than criticizing or defending. Request changes in behavior that will positively impact your relationship.

6. Commit to Constructive Engagement

  • Avoid Martyrdom and Withdrawal: Refrain from quitting the conversation or adopting a martyr mentality. Engage in discussions with a willingness to resolve issues.

7. Take Breaks When Needed

  • Pause if Overwhelmed: If emotions run high, take a 15-20 minute break to cool down. Return to the conversation when you say you will; even if it is just to extend the break.

8. Address Current Concerns

  • Limit to Recent Issues: Focus on resolving recent or current issues rather than revisiting past grievances. You are more likely to resolve issues effectively by addressing them one at a time, rather than dealing with a series of issues chaotically.

9. Choose an Appropriate Setting

  • Minimize Distractions: Select a quiet, private location for discussions. Ensure phones are off, TV is off, and children are not present to maintain focus on the conversation.

10. Consider Walking Together

  • Utilize Movement: Walking can stimulate positive thinking and facilitate conflict resolution.